


"I'll Cover You"

by Spnsami331



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:41:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23413117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spnsami331/pseuds/Spnsami331
Summary: Castiel persuades Dean to watch RENT. 😻
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Today is my birthday!! 🎂 
> 
> This is set in seasons 12-13. 😻 i have been obsessed with season 12 lately. 
> 
> I intended for this to be a one shot but it took on a life of its own lol. I will update soon.
> 
> I pray everyone is staying safe and healthy amidst the pandemic.
> 
> I hope you like it!!

"No, Cass, we are not watching Rent!"  
Castiel clutched the DVD to his chest. For a long time, Castiel had wanted to see Rent. He'd caught a few minutes of it in a motel room one night. They were hunting demons in Nebraska and the boys needed a burger break. While Sam and Dean ate, Castiel channel surfed. He loved TV and thought it was one of humanity's greatest achievements.  
On one of the music channels, Castiel had stumbled upon Rent. It drew him in right away. The cast was dancing on a filthy old subway train and singing about opening up a restaurant in New Mexico. The music was catchy and upbeat. The characters were so interesting. One of the boys was wearing a skirt and flowery leggings.  
Before the bohemians could exit the train on the small screen, Dean had hollered at Cass to turn that junk off. Always eager to please Dean, Cass changed the channel to an old black and white movie. It was a good movie, and it held Castiel's attention for the duration of the boys' meal time.  
But Cass never forgot about Rent. He longed to hear the beautiful music again. He wanted to find out why the artists were singing about moving out of New York City.  
The nature of their work made relaxation almost impossible. The Winchesters got next to no down time. Of late, their lives revolved around battling against the British Men of Letters and tracking down Kelly Kline, who was pregnant with Lucifer's child. All this after stopping Amara from destroying the Earth and removing the Mark of Cain from Dean's arm; they'd had so much on their plates for so long. Their work was a never-ending struggle.  
But, with no sign of Kelly or the British Men of Letters, Sam, Dean and Castiel were enjoying a much deserved night off. When Sam and Dean drove into town for snacks, Castiel accompanied them. From the red colored box inside the grocery store, Castiel rented Rent.  
But, of course, Dean was giving him a hard time about it. It wouldn't be Dean if he wasn't making things difficult. Castiel loved that about him. Castiel loved everything about Dean.  
Even if those same things that he adored also made him crazy.  
"Why not?" Castiel queried.  
"Because-none of us have vaginas," he answered, causing Sam to roll his eyes.  
"Dean, I do everything you want. I listen to your favorite music, watch your favorite movies. I've seen Tombstone a hundred times."  
Face twisted in annoyance, Dean protested, "Aw, c'mon! Tombstone is awesome!"  
He looked to his brother, but Sam just shrugged. Sam never liked getting in the middle of any of their quarrels, petty and insignificant as they may be. He couldn't count on his brother to back him up on this. When Dean turned back to Castiel, his resolve began to crack.  
It was always difficult for Dean to disappoint Cass. But, damn, really? A musical? That was a lot to ask.  
"Please?" Castiel squeaked.  
When Dean refused to respond, Sam cleared his throat and said, "C'mon, Cass, I'll watch it with you."  
A small smile formed on Castiel's face. Sam was so special. Even though Castiel was open about his preference for Dean, Sam treated him with more kindness and understanding than Dean did. Any time Dean and Cass fought, Sam could ease the blow for both of them without choosing sides.  
As they walked towards the living room, Castiel noticed the envious expression on Dean's handsome face. Castiel would have been lying if he claimed that Dean's jealousy did not please him. Sometimes, he couldn't help but feel like Dean took him for granted; Dean expected Castiel to come when he called, and he always did, without fail. Dean's green eyed monster made Castiel feel appreciated.  
Dean was jealous. He always got jealous when somebody else had Castiel's attention. Though he rarely spoke the words, his body language always gave him away.  
By the time Castiel finished popping popcorn and Sam brought candy and soda from the kitchen, Dean had already settled into a spot on the couch. Castiel could not contain his giddiness as he sat down beside Dean. They heard Sam chuckle as he pressed play on the DVD player.  
To Castiel's delight, Dean appeared to be enjoying the movie. The songs had a rock and roll edge, unlike most typical Broadway shows. The story was captivating, particularly the love triangle between Maureen and her boyfriend and girlfriend. Cass noticed Dean's coy grin spring up every time the girls showed up on screen.  
At one point, as Roger sang about his desire to write a memorable song before he succumbed to AIDS, the film flashed back to Roger and his girlfriend injecting Heroin. Body tightening in anxiety, Dean winced as the girl in the movie plunged a needle into her arm. Without hesitating to contemplate Dean's reaction to the gesture, Castiel wrapped his arm around Dean's shoulder.  
To his surprise, Dean's mesmerizing green eyes locked with Castiel's own mystic blue ones. In Dean's sad stare, Castiel could see the decades of torture with needles that Dean, who had never liked needles to begin with, had suffered in Hell. Castiel still expected Dean to withdraw from him, as he always did when things got too emotional. Instead, Dean inched closer to Castiel on the couch and relaxed at the Angel's protective touch.  
The song ended, and the story progressed. But Dean did not budge from his spot next to Castiel. Never in his life did Castiel think that Dean would allow this. Well, when something was bothering Dean, he would sometimes let people comfort him. But Dean was not upset any more, and he still wanted to be near Castiel. It was amazing!  
After a long time of wondering, Castiel at last learned why the bohemians wanted to go to Santa Fe. They were living in extreme poverty and were at risk of losing their apartments to their landlord's greed. On the subway, they were dreaming of an escape from the social problems that surrounded them. But Castiel suspected that they would not make it to New Mexico.  
After they got off of the train, Angel bought Tom Collins a warm new coat. It was a great kindness, as Collins had been mugged of his coat and all of his belongings. They then confessed their love for each other in a beautiful song, called "I'll Cover You." The song melted Castiel's heart. It was simple and sweet and moving.  
During the song, Castiel glanced at Dean. Their eyes met again. This time, instead of fear, Castiel saw something else in Dean's stare. Castiel had seen this same look before. Four years ago, Castiel's decision not to escape Purgatory through the human portal had devastated Dean. When Naomi rescued Castiel a few weeks later, Dean was overcome with emotion upon seeing Castiel. Joy. Relief. Disbelief. Wholeness. Bashful/forbidden attraction. Hope.  
LOVE 💘  
There was love in Dean's eyes.  
Castiel tried to calm his heart, which was racing in his chest. Dean had looked at him that way before, and nothing had come of it.. There was a chance that history would repeat itself. More than a chance. If Dean did love Castiel, he would not act on it.  
Unless…  
What if Castiel made the first move?  
It could lead to a very awkward moment and a painful rejection. God forbid, it could really mess up his friendship with Dean, and Castiel could not live without Dean. On the other hand, maybe, just maybe, Dean would be open to developing a more profound bond with Castiel Maybe, just maybe, all of his dreams could come true.  
The song ended, and Castiel chickened out. He couldn't stand the thought of upsetting Dean. Nothing mattered more to him than his friendship with Dean. Nothing.  
Later on in the movie, Angel, the boy in the skirt, lost his fight against AIDS. As the illness consumed him, Mimi and Roger sang a heartbreaking song about their terrible break up. Castiel glanced over at his humans. Tears stained Sam's cheeks. Sam's sensitivity always impressed Castiel, but he was glad that Dean was not an open book. Castiel liked being the only one who could understand how Dean felt way down deep inside.  
During the song, Roger tried to stop Mimi from relapsing on Heroin. The sight of the needle triggered Dean again. He fidgeted in his seat and closed his eyes. It was more than Castiel could bear.  
This time, the angel decided to take a chance. Castiel scooped Dean's hand into his. Of course, he expected Dean to snatch his hand back and rebuke his affections. To his utter shock, Dean just looked at him with those doe eyes of his. There was surprise in his expression at first, but then Dean relaxed and Castiel was able to breathe again.  
Dean and Cass were holding hands.  
In all of his existence, Castiel had never felt such happiness. Despite all of the problems in the world, and there was so much to trouble them at the moment, Castiel was happy. He was enjoying a family movie night, holding hands with the love of his life. Castiel had never dared to dream that he would ever receive such blessings.  
The movie concluded with the closest thing to a happily-ever-after that Castiel thought the characters would get. Mimi survived her overdose. Roger wrote his song. Mark finished his movie. Collins got a new teaching job. Maureen and JoAnn got back together. Sam rubbed the lingering tears out of his eyes. Castiel inhaled, awaiting the inevitable moment when Dean would shun him to protect his masculinity.  
Trying to be sly, Dean let go of Cass's hand. Although Castiel had expected it, he could not contain a noticeable frown. In an effort to soften the blow, though, Dean admitted, "That wasn't the worst two hours of my life."  
Castiel feigned a smile, but it was quite obvious that it was a fake one. Sam rose to shut off the video. They glanced at the clock: 1:52am. Another day of chasing Kelly Kline and the British Men of Letters awaited them. For the humans, this meant it was time to get some rest.  
Dean stretched and pulled himself up off of the couch. Castiel's heart sunk like a ship as he watched Dean disappear into his room without even acknowledging what had just transpired between them. It was as if it had never even happened. His stomach twisted in knots.  
Despite his glossy, tired eyes, Sam sat down beside Castiel and queried, "You okay?"  
No, he was quite far from it. He felt like he wanted to laugh like a maniac and scream bloody murder at the same time. He felt like he was missing something important, but he could not quite figure out what he needed to fill that deep hole.  
But, Dean had taught Castiel that the right answer to that question was, "I'm fine."  
Sam cleared his throat. "He'll come around." Castiel glanced up at Sam with hopeful eyes. "I think it's going to take a while for him to admit it to himself, but he'll come around."  
"It took eight years for him to hold my hand," Castiel sighed.  
"Hey, it took him twenty-six years to get on an airplane," Sam joked. Castiel just rested his chin on his knuckle, looking so let down.  
"Maybe we were wrong," Castiel whispered.  
Sam shook his head. "Don't say that."  
"Maybe Dean just doesn't love me like I love him." Castiel's voice cracked with pain, and Sam winced like he'd just taken a hard hit.


	2. "Without You"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I die, Without You!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many of you have already read and liked the first chapter. I couldn't ask for a better birthday gift. Thank you all so much for making me feel so blessed.
> 
> I hope you like this one too!! 😻

"NO!"  
Dean watched in helpless horror as Lucifer's angel blade pierced Castiel's heart. White light glowed from Castiel's mouth, eyes and chest as if he were a jack o lantern on Halloween night. The Devil cackled as Castiel's body collapsed on the ground with a loud thud.   
The pain was unlike any Dean had ever felt in all his life. His heart throbbed like he was having an attack. His head ached. Everything around him was spinning, and all of the colors blurred together. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.   
In Dean's daze, he was cognizant of Lucifer dragging his mother into Apocalypse World through the portal that Crowley's spell had sealed shut. Maybe he screamed for her, but sounds were hazy, too. He felt as if he were outside of his body. None of this was real. Nothing was real.   
Sam was yelling at him that they had to check on Kelly and the baby. But Dean could not move. He was drunk with grief, and it was robbing him of his faculties. Sam ran off to see the spawn of Satan. Vaguely, the child had seemed like something of importance to Dean at one point.  
Now, nothing mattered at all. Cass was gone forever. Dean had watched his best friend's murder with his own eyes.   
Cass was gone.  
How would Dean live without Cass? Who would he confide in when he felt he could trust no one else? Who would make him laugh without even trying? Who would heal all of his physical and emotional wounds? How would he ever feel safe again without Castiel?  
In desperation, Dean stared up at the Heavens. Majestic stars dazzled in the dark night sky. Dean prayed to Chuck to bring him his angel back, as He had done in the past. He begged Amara to give him the thing he needed most, as she had done with his mother.   
No miracles occurred. Chuck and Amara had left, yet again. The angels weren't responding. Crowley had sacrificed himself to save the Winchesters.   
Cass was gone.  
Dean sat in the cold, wet grass, gazing at his angel. Time meant nothing. He had no idea how long he was out there. But every minute that passed brought a new hurt. More than anything, he wanted to cry, to unleash the pain as if it were a wild beast in a cage that he could set free. But tears eluded him. He was in too much pain to cry. He wanted to scream from the pain, the worst pain he'd ever felt in his life, but no sound came out when he opened his mouth.   
At some point, Sam returned. He was speaking, but Dean could not make out any of his words. The next thing he knew, Sam was pulling him to his feet. Dean's legs were unsteady, but he didn't want to ask his brother for help. Sam scooped Castiel up and cradled him close to his body. In a most irrational way, Dean hated how Sammy was holding Cass, but he could never articulate that feeling.   
So, Dean followed his brother back into the cottage that Kelly Kline and "James Novak" had rented. In a haze, Dean watched as Sam laid Castiel on a table, then covered him with a sheet. It was like an old fashioned European viewing for the deceased.  
Cass was gone.  
All of a sudden, Dean's legs gave out. Sam swooped and caught his brother before he hit the floor. Wrapping his brother's arm around his shoulder, Sam guided Dean into the upstairs guest room, next door to the nursery where Lucifer's child was hiding. In the recesses of his mind, Dean understood that Sam would need his assistance in dealing with the nephilim. But he could not force himself to focus on the problem and Sam did not bug him about it. Only Sam could possibly grasp the gravity of what Dean was dealing with. 

The orange fires of Hell blazed, charring the shredded remains of his skin. Ruby cackled as she slit her wrist and dripped her blood into Sam's mouth. Azazel chortled as he stabbed John in the heart with blades and daggers; he flicked his evil yellow eyes, and flames engulfed Mary's body. Meg's partner in crime thrusted a knife into Bobby's stomach. Dean resisted against the restraints, the hooks further tearing his flesh from his bones. Much as he tried, he could not break free. He screamed from the agonizing pain and the frustration. Teasing him in that whiny, effeminate voice of his, Alistair showed off a huge, rusty needle. His pleas for mercy went unanswered. Dean bellowed from the stinging, throbbing pain. Dean's savior,  
his angel in a trench coat, aimed a blade at Alistair, and gave Dean some much needed hope. Then, to Dean's horror, another angel blade protruded from Castiel's belly, and white light glowed in his mouth and eyes. 

"CASS! CASS! CASS!"

Dean's heart wrenching cries awoke Sam with a start. Sam stumbled out of bed and raced to his brother's bedside, crashing into the door along the way. His brother was yelling and thrashing about in his bed. Sweat rolled down his face and collected on his chest.  
Ever since the angels rescued Dean from Hell, he had suffered from terrible nightmares. Many nights, Sam had heard his brother battle with his subconscious memories. But this was very different.  
In the past, Sam would come to check on his brother, only to find Castiel perched on the edge of the bed. Without waking him, Cass would cover Dean with his wings and chant in Enochian until he calmed down. Once a good dream replaced the bad one, Cass would watch Dean sleep until morning. Since Dean hated when Cass watched him sleep, Cass would then disappear when Dean started to stir.   
It was always Sam's impression that Dean did not know about Cass chasing Dean's night terrors away. But perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps Dean had known all along. Now, he would never know that safety again.  
Sam touched Dean and shook him. "DEAN! DEAN!" Dean leaped out of his skin and prepared to throw punches. "It's okay. It's me. You were having a nightmare."   
Unable to catch his breath, Dean sat up and buried his face in his hands. His whole body shook with fear and emotion. Sam placed a hand on his shoulder, wishing with all his heart that, somehow, Castiel would appear and make everything better.


	3. "I'll Cover You" Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean says goodbye to Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has a wonderful, blessed Easter 🐰, Passover and Ramadan!! 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story!! I feel so blessed!!

Dean paced around the table, touching the sheet every so often. There was so much that he wanted to say, but he could not form any words. How could he even begin to articulate how much Cass meant to him, how much he would miss him? Every time he blinked, he saw Castiel's form exploding out of his vessel. Every time he breathed, he felt a sharp pain in his heart.   
Outside, Sam was building the pyre. Castiel would have a hunter's funeral. They would salt and burn his bones, and he would have the peace that he deserved. No more vengeful angels would be after him. No more demons would try to kill him. No more ungrateful humans would take him for granted.  
Dean tried to tell himself all that. Castiel would not want him to mourn. Castiel never wanted Dean to be sad. Quite the contrary, Castiel went out of his way to protect and please Dean. He would not like seeing Dean going through this, especially because of him.  
No. Dean didn't care about any of that. For once in his abnegation life, Dean was going to be selfish. Dean wanted Castiel. If he couldn't have him, he was going to take out all of his anger and grief on every stupid son-of-a-bitch that dared to cross his path.   
Dean lifted the sheet just a little. People always said the dead looked like they were sleeping and would wake up at any time. But Castiel didn't sleep. He would never wake up again. Never again would he gaze at Dean with those innocent little eyes that were as blue as the sky on Christmas morning, as blue as the ocean on a clear summer night.   
Never again would Castiel misunderstand a cultural reference. Never again would his goofiness humor Dean. Never again would Castiel tear down Dean's walls. Never again would Dean feel the security of being held in the arms of an angel.  
Dean collapsed on the floor. He crossed his arms over his knees and buried his face. Like hippie/new agey Sam had taught him to calm his anxiety on the airplane, Dean took several deep breaths, paying close attention to the air entering and exiting his body. But it didn't help, so Dean tried something else.

"'Live in my house. I'll be your shelter. Just pay me back with one thousand kisses. Be my lover, and I'll cover you'," Dean sang softly, his voice growing steadier as his breathing settled.   
Like most people, Dean found music therapeutic. Hence, Sam had no choice in tunes in the Impala. But, almost no one knew how beautifully Dean sang. Despite the super cool machismo he displayed, Dean could be very shy. He kept his amazing voice a secret.   
But, in private, Dean liked to sing. It allowed him to express his emotions without going all Dr. Phil like Sam did. Mostly, he liked to sing country and classic rock, to himself of course. Broadway, well, that was another story. Still...  
' If only I had not acted like such a jerk to Cass about that damn play,' Dean thought.   
His mind swam back to the night they watched Rent together. Cass comforted him when flashbacks from Hell tormented him. But Dean was too much of a man to accept his kindness. All he'd done was hold his hand. And, in the deepest depths of his soul, was that not what Dean wanted more than anything else in the world, to hold Cass's hand? Couldn't Dean have just counted his blessings? But, no, Dean had to push Cass away, and now he would never see Cass again.  
Dean would never see Cass again.  
Dean had learned the lyrics by accident. After they'd watched Rent, Castiel had asked Sam to download the soundtrack onto his cell phone. From afar, Dean had heard Cass tell Sam that he wanted it as a reminder of one of the happiest nights of his existence. Those words would torment Dean for all of his days. Over the next few weeks, Cass sang "I'll Cover You" over and over. It annoyed the life out of Dean, and, more than once, he had barked at Cass to shut up.   
Now, Dean felt like this song was all he had left of his angel, and he wished to Chuck that he could take back every mean thing he'd ever said to Cass, particularly about Rent. But he couldn't.   
Castiel was gone. Just like Angel. But at least Collins had had the courage to confess his true feelings to Angel before he died. Dean had just been a coward.  
It may have been too late. Maybe nobody would ever hear his words, not even Castiel, who so deserved to hear them. Maybe it would be scary and hurt like hell.   
Nevertheless, Dean would be braver than he'd ever been in his life.

"'Open your door. I'll be your tenant. Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet. But sweet kisses I've got to spare. I'll be there and I'll cover you. I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love. Now I know you can rent it. A new lease you are my love one life. All my life, I've longed to discover something as true as this is. So with a thousand sweet kisses, if you're cold and you're lonely, with a thousand sweet kisses, if you've got one nickel only, with a thousand sweet kisses, when you're worn out and tired, with a thousand sweet kisses, when your heart has expired. Oh, Lover, I'll Cover You.'"

On the other side of the wall, back pressed up against the door, Sam whispered, "'525, 600 minutes, 525, 000 moments so dear, 525, 600 minutes, 525, 000 seasons of love.'"

The acrid scent burned their noses when they breathed. Smoke swirled into the sky like a tornado. The fire crackled as it consumed Castiel's body.   
Dean stared at the fire, but he saw nothing. He didn't see his best friend turning to ash. He didn't see the flames climbing the pyre. He didn't see Sam blinking back tears. He just didn't see.  
Blindness.  
It was almost as if his eyes were not open at all.


	4. "Will I Lose My Dignity? Will Someone Care?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tries to help Dean in his grief, and he makes Dean face the possibility that Destiel is real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much everyone! God bless you!!
> 
> I hope everyone has a blessed Easter! 🐰

Later that night, at the kitchen table, Sam handed Dean a cold bottle of beer. Dean accepted it, but, instead of drinking it, he spun it around in small circles. Sam frowned, but did not complain. Earlier, he had tried to coax Dean into eating some greasy burgers, to no avail. 

Pushing Dean never worked. Dean always had to deal with his problems in his own way first. Then, once he'd done that, he would open up about his feelings. Still, Sam couldn't help but think that this was different.

Losing Cass was one of the most difficult things that Sam and Dean had ever gone through. Castiel was their family, their brother. But he was so much more than that. He was their rescuer, their healer, their protector. His absence was everywhere. Without him, the world was darker, colder and crueler.

But Sam could not even begin to imagine how hard this was for Dean. Castiel was Dean's angel. Dean and Castiel loved each other in ways Sam could never understand. Castiel could reach Dean in ways that Sam never could. 

Sam worried that, without Castiel, Dean would never be the same. This grief would follow him around like his shadow. It would shape every decision he made. It would inhibit his ability to love and trust others. Of course, Sam had faith in the brave, kind, fiercely loyal man who had raised him. This wouldn't jade him. But it would influence every aspect of his life, and Sam hoped that Dean would think with his head and not his broken heart. 

They sat in silence for a long time, the only sounds being the sloshing of Dean's beer and the occasional slurp of Sam's bitter. Sam wished that Dean would get drunk. He wished that Dean would do anything besides stare.

"I never told him, Sammy."

Surprised, Sam looked up from his beverage. These were the first words Dean had uttered since Cass was murdered. Although Sam wasn't quite sure what he had expected Dean to say, that statement caught him off guard for sure. 

Brow furrowed in confusion, Sam asked, "You never told him what?"

"Cass," Dean whispered, wincing with pain. "Remember the hunt against Ramiel, when he speared Cass with the Michael Lance? Cass said he loved me. I never told him." 

Sam opened his mouth to speak but shut it before any words came out. He figured that he should assure his brother that it was okay. Cass knew how Dean felt about him. It was okay that he had not come right out with it. That would be the right thing to say to assuage Dean at this difficult time, the thing most people would say.

But Sam's mind conjured up the memory of the night the three of them had watched Rent together. He had never seen Cass look so disappointed, so defeated. And he would never forget Cass's words: 'Maybe we were wrong… maybe Dean just doesn't love me like I love him.' 

At the time, Sam had felt an irrational anger at Cass for doubting himself, and the Winchesters. Then, Sam had wanted to reassure Cass that anybody with eyes could see how much Dean loved him. If that didn't work, he would have told him that nobody knew Dean better than he, Sam, did, and Sam had no doubt in his mind that Dean loved the angel with all his heart.

But, he had kept those thoughts to himself that night. Sam had had that same argument with Cass since the day the angel admitted his feelings for Dean. Everytime Cass expressed doubt, Sam would promise him that Dean would open his full heart to him one day. That night, with that dejected look in Castiel's eyes, the argument sounded very hollow. Instead, Sam elected to pat Cass on the shoulder and let him be alone. 

Now, with the angel turned to ash and Dean nursing the world's worst broken heart, Sam wished that everything had been different. He wished that he had fought with Cass again the night they watched Rent. He wished that he hadn't heard Cass resign himself to yet another rejection. 

More than anything, Sam wished that he could lie to Dean. Oh, how easy it would be to assure his brother that the angel knew how the hunter loved him. Doing so might just take a pound of weight off of his brother's shoulders.

Alas, Sam could not deceive Dean, not about this. Not about Castiel. Dean could always tell when he was lying. Even if he said what he wanted so much to say, Dean would never allow himself to believe it, anyway. Maybe it helped him in some way to hear people verbalize it, but he wouldn't let himself take it to heart. His pride and unnatural sense of responsibility made certain of that. 

The awkward silence was long and nauseating. Sam couldn't mislead Dean, but he wasn't sure how he should respond. For one of the rare instances in his life, Dean was very vulnerable. Both cold hard truth and little white lies could damage him to his core. Sam would have to tread with care. 

"Why didn't you?"

The question caught both Winchesters off guard. Dean's powerful green eyes flashed at his brother. Sam's own boldness surprised him. But he had to hear it. It was a damn shame that Cass couldn't, but Sam had to know, for all of their sakes.

At this inquiry, Dean forced himself to take a drink. Since he didn't really want it, the beer made his face contort with distaste. Sam waited for the answer, almost unaware that he was holding his breath.

When Dean didn't respond, and Sam started turning blue from not breathing, Sam asked again, "Dean?"

"Because it's wrong, Sammy!" Dean snapped. His usual anger and fire were back for the first time since they'd lost Cass, and Sam was almost grateful to be on the other side of his brother's tirade. "Because I wasn't supposed to be in love with him!" Dean slammed his fist down on the table, rattling their drinks. His voice softened. "But I was."

"'Was'?" Sam pried.

"Am," Dean admitted. "What does it matter? He's gone now."

"It does matter!" Dean shook his head and averted his gaze. So Sam switched tactics. "Look, Dean, I know what it's like to lose a love."

A maniacal, cynical laugh escaped Dean's mouth. He shook his head at his little brother. Although he would never admit it, his behavior was frightening Sam. 

"No you don't, Sam, not like this," Dean stated. "I never got to have Cass. Jess was the perfect dream girl that you could've brought home to Mom and Dad if our lives weren't so screwed up."

"This is about Dad?" Sam felt the anger and the grief boiling up inside of him. "Dad's been dead for ten years, and we are still having this same fight! Are you kidding me, Dean?" Sam was aware of the wounded look in Dean's eyes, but he could not stop. The anger wouldn't let him. "Maybe Dad wouldn't have been thrilled that his son fell in love with a male angel. But he wouldn't have cared all that much. All that really mattered to Dad was that you're safe and maybe even happy." 

"All that mattered to Dad was that YOU were safe," Dean argued. "I had to be responsible. I had to be perfect."

"Nobody's perfect," Sam countered. "But there's nothing wrong with who you are."

"Who I am???" Dean demanded.

The ire in his brother's eyes concerned Sam; he worried they might come to blows over this. How could this conversation have spiraled like a tornado so fast? Still, Sam kept his level head.

"You're a brilliant hunter. You're a good friend. You're the best big brother in the world," Sam told him. Dean's eyes softened as he absorbed his brother's words. "You're a good son. You're a good cook, and a great mechanic. You're a brave man, a strong man." Sam took a deep breath. "You are a man who was fortunate enough to have found his soulmate." 

"You think Cass was my soulmate?" Dean squeaked.

There was not a hint of his usual sarcasm when he spoke. His question sounded genuine, like something he hadn't noticed before had just been pointed out to him. The rage from the previous moment melted away, and, somehow, Dean seemed slightly smaller.

"I don't think, Dean, I know he was," Sam asserted. "And, deep down, you know it, too." 

The snarkiness returning to protect Dean from hurt, Dean chortled, "Cass a soulmate?"

Sam closed his eyes for a minute. Frustration started to constrict him like a snake. Although it would be selfish to admit it in the face of the extraordinary grief that Dean was feeling, Sam was hurting, too. He had witnessed his friend's murder as well. He had anger and sadness to deal with, too. But, he had to control it. Sam could not cause Dean any more pain than he already felt. Because that was all this was: Dean's broken heart battling against regret and tired excuses.

Nonetheless, Sam would no longer let Cass suffer for Dean Winchester's ego and John Winchester's inhuman expectations.

"Cass was the perfect soul mate," Sam declared. "He was kind and loyal and funny and strong. Anybody in the world would have been lucky to have him. But he loved you. More than anything else in this world, more than anything even in Heaven, Cass loved you. And you loved him. But you threw away a chance at true happiness because your soul mate chose a male vessel."

Dean's lip trembled, but he masked it by building the anger back up. "Why are you saying all this now, when I cant make things right with him, Sam? Where were you when Cass was alive?"

"Helping Cass!" Sam retorted. "Do you know how many times Cass asked me how to break down your walls? Do you know how many times he came to me near tears because you pushed him away?"

Overcome with emotion then, Dean chucked his bottle across the room. It smashed against the wall, breaking into a hundred little pieces. Beer puddled on the floor; the odor wafted up around the room. Sam frowned, his eyebrows tilting down in concern. 

Maybe he had gone too far. Dean was suffering enough without adding on this extra guilt. Perhaps it was too much for him to deal with. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

Dean blinked back tears, and Sam swallowed hard.

"Cass asked me not to," Sam confessed. "He wanted you to be happy, and he didn't want you to be with him just because you felt bad. He wanted you to be with him because you loved him." 

For a while, Dean just sat and stared at the floor. Neither of them spoke. What else was there to say? Cass was gone and they had sabotaged any potential for a Destiel relationship while he was alive. So, avoiding Sam's dark eyes, Dean got up and started to clean up the broken bottle.

Dean gasped, and Sam jumped out of his seat to check on him. Blood gushed from a big gash on his palm. Sam pressed a white dish towel onto the wound. It stung something awful, and Dean groaned. 

'It's not that bad, but if Cas were here, he could heal him.' Sam thought. He shook his head. It didn't do any good to think like that. Then, something else occurred to Sam.

"C'mon, I'll stitch you up."

Dean jerked his hand away and rolled his eyes.   
"Bitch."

A quick smile flashed across Sam's face.

"Jerk."


	5. "One Blaze of Glory"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billie would not let Dean stay dead in "Advanced Thanatology." Now he has no choice but to figure out how to live without Castiel. 
> 
> Or does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this story and enjoyed it! It means the world to me!
> 
> My daughter and I are participating in our first GISH in 2 hours and I'm nervous/excited!

The blackness of night descended on the Impala as it raced down the empty highway. The Colorado mountains faded away as they drove east, back towards the bunker. Classic rock hummed from the radio on a low volume so that Sam could sleep.

Sam had recommended that they stay on another night at the hotel in Denver. It had been a very difficult day for Dean in particular, and he thought that his brother would do well to get some rest. On top of all of the stress of the hunt, Dean had been nursing a hangover, so a little downtime would have been beneficial. 

But Dean did not want to sleep. His heart was too heavy with sorrow and emptiness. His mind was spinning, trying to dissect his conversation with Death Billie. 

As always, Billie had been able to see right through him. She could tell that he had lost his will to live. In a span of ten minutes, he'd lost his best friend Cass, his mother Mary and his friends Crowley and Kelly. After being dealt such a blow, what was there to live for? Sammy? As Sam had proved during Dean's stint in Purgatory, Sam could get along just fine without his brother.

And sure, Dean saved people. A lot of people owed him their lives. But it meant nothing if he could not protect Castiel, the love of his life. It meant even less than nothing when he'd never even gotten the chance to tell Castiel how much he loved him. 

Billie knew that he wanted to die, and yet she commanded that he live. She told him that he had work to do. But he didn't want to try anymore. It was not worthwhile to him. And what the Hell happened to Free Will? Didn't he have a choice? Without Castiel, there was no Free Will, and there was no team, either. 

Dean wondered what would become of him. Deep down, he knew he couldn't hunt anymore. He didn't have the heart for it anymore. But, he couldn't give up this life, either. He'd erased Lisa's memories, and he could not go back to her as he had after Sam leaped into the Cage. Nor would he be able to work a 9-5 knowing that his little brother was out there putting himself in danger.

No. Dean would continue to hunt. He would get the job done, just as he always had. And it would not be because Billie or Chuck had decided that they needed him to do things for them. Although it would be half-hearted, he would do it for himself. Maybe he failed, a lot, but, for better or for worse, Dean Winchester was a hunter. If he gave up on hunting, he gave up who he was. 

Mom and Castiel would never have wanted that. If anything, Dean giving up would have infuriated Castiel. Dean remembered when he wanted to say yes to Michael during the Apocalypse. So hurt by his betrayal, Castiel gave Dean the worst beating he'd ever endured. Dean had more than paid Cass back for that when the Mark of Cain possessed him to almost beat the angel to death. But he'd never forgotten how important it was to always keep fighting. So. No. Now, just like then, Dean would have to muddle through his doubts and his pain.

But, Dean wished to God that Cass was there to knock some sense into him. He'd never felt smaller and more confused in his life. Though he knew that he couldn't, he had never wanted to throw in the towel as bad as he did now.

RING! RING! RING! 📱

Dean fished in his pocket for his cell phone. It was a number he did not recognize, but that meant very little in their line of work. He pushed the button to answer the call.

"Hello?" Dean said.

"Dean."

Dean's heart pounded against his chest hard enough to break his ribs. His mouth fell open in surprise. Tears pushed at the corners of his wide eyes. He lost focus on the road, and he had to swerve the Impala to avoid a rock wall.

Sam asked if Dean was okay, but Dean could not speak. His lungs had shriveled up like raisins, and he could not catch his breath. When he felt Sam's hand on his shoulder, Dean realized that he had to calm himself down somehow.

"Cass?" Dean managed to squeak. Sam gasped. 

"Hello Dean."

"Where are you?" Castiel gave Dean his location. "Stay there. We're on our way."

Hanging up the phone, Dean pressed the gas pedal to the floor board. He gripped the steering wheel with such force that his knuckles had turned white. Dean could see Sam holding on to the seat for dear life as the Impala bounced over bumps and skidded on slippery roads. But Dean did not even consider slowing down. Dean could think of nothing but Castiel.

Dean had to see Castiel. He had to be sure that his angel had returned to him. Of course, Dean could recognize that soft voice from anywhere; his knees had grown weak, just as they always had, when he heard his name spoken by the one being he thought he'd never hear from again: the only being that he ever wanted to speak his name.

But he had to see him. Dean had to hold Castiel in his arms. He had to feel the angel's comforting touch. He had to lose himself in those ocean blue eyes. Dean had to see Castiel.

In their line of work, looks were quite often deceiving. They'd only gotten to meet the ghoul wearing Adam Winchester; they'd never had the pleasure of meeting their little brother. A shapeshifter had used Dean's skin to commit murder. A demon had possessed Bobby and had almost forced him to stab Dean to death. 

Dean had to see Castiel.

The Impala slid down a little hill, past a church with a glowing cross on the roof. ✝ A few feet from the church, there was a phone booth in a grassy lot. A figure hid in the shadow of the phone booth. In all his life, Dean had never been so happy to see an old outside landline. He parked the Impala and closed the door. Sam followed close behind as the figure emerged from the darkness.

Dean's heart started doing somersaults. His breaths were rapid with excitement and anticipation. He longed to run to the angel like a child reunited with his parents. But he couldn't move. He was too afraid that it wasn't real. If this was not really Castiel, Dean feared that he would die from the disappointment.

"Cass? Is it really you?" Dean asked, praying to Chuck over and over that this was happening.

The angel nodded, and Sam commented, "I don't know what to say."

"I do."

Dean threw his arms around Castiel and buried his head in his shoulder. Castiel's embrace was the greatest feeling in the world. What a joy it was to feel Cass's heart beating against his. A grateful grin spread across Dean's face, a grin of pure joy, a grin that only Castiel alone could coax out of him. 

Silently, Dean thanked Chuck and Amara and all of the angels. This was the best gift he could ever have received. Dean had been reunited with his best friend. All of the pain he'd been carrying since that horrible night vaporized and disappeared into the air like water boiling on the stove. 

Cass's return had healed all of his wounds. But it had done more than that. It gave Dean hope. Better than that, Dean now had another chance at true happiness, a chance to accept who he was and what he wanted most out of life. He had what every person in the world who had ever lost a loved one dreamed of for the remainder of their days.

If Sam hadn't been waiting to hug Castiel, Dean would never have let him go. Now that he knew what it felt like to lose him, he understood what a blessing he had and how he'd been taking him for granted for all of these years. Now, he knew so much better, and he would not make the same mistakes again.


	6. "I Should Tell You"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DESTIEL FLUFF!!
> 
> Dean bares his soul to Castiel. Does Castiel feel the same?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read my story. I am so grateful!! 
> 
> I'm sending prayers to my #spnfamily during the pandemic. I can't wait to bond during GISH!!

Knock! Knock! Knock! 

Dean opened the door leading into Castiel's bedroom. The bunker was warmer and cozier with Castiel back inside. Without him, the bunker had stopped feeling like a home. Now, there was nowhere else in the world that Dean would want to be. Sort of.  
Dean had been pacing the hall outside Cass's door for a half hour. The beers had been burning cold against his sweaty palms. The butterflies in his stomach were making him sick. He had to do it, but he just did not know how.

After their hunt in Dodge City, and their successful take down of the Dave Matter ghoul, Dean promised himself (and yes, a very nosy Sam) that he would go through with it. He had to. During the hunt, when they went to talk to the Sheriff, Castiel tried so hard to be a believable cowboy. He was wearing that silly hat, and he introduced himself as 'Agent Val Kilmer.' He was so adorable.

Dean fell even deeper in love with Castiel than he had ever thought possible. 

Castiel's death had been the worst moment of his life. Dean had a second chance. He was not going to waste it.

Yet, he was not sure he could do it. Picking up girls was always so easy for Dean. He'd had more one night stands than he could count. But this was so different. It wasn't just about sex. It was about feelings. It was about fighting with irrational shame and fear and stigma in order to discover something true. It was a poker game where Dean was risking everything.

Dean had decided to chicken out. As he'd turned towards his own bedroom, a memory assaulted him: Dean yelping as the needle pierced his chest, and Billie tormenting him by sending him back to life with that damned broken heart of his. Never in his life had he felt so low as to break his promise to Sam and tell the Angel of Death that it was okay if she took him. All that, because he'd lost Cass.

No. Never again.

From somewhere deep down inside of him, from the place in his soul that allowed him to sacrifice himself for Sam time and again, Dean Winchester drew out courage like water from a well. 

Castiel welcomed him into the room with a kind smile. Dean's knees wobbled, and he worried that he looked ridiculous as he walked. Chuck had really outdone Himself when He made Castiel so damn beautiful, with those pure blue eyes and that soft black hair. And that mesmerized stare that Cass reserved just for Dean. 

With unsteady hands, Dean offered Castiel the beer. As Cass accepted it, he noticed the shake in Dean's hands. He frowned in concern.

"Are you okay, Dean?" Castiel asked.

Dean let out a sarcastic chortle. "No, I'm pretty damn far from it."

Castiel squinted his eyes in that sweet way he did when he was confused. "What's wrong?" 

After a swig of beer, Dean cleared his throat and responded, "You, Cass." Dean paused, searching for the right words. "I've been going out of my mind without you…"

Sensing Dean's discomfort, Castiel interjected, "I missed you too, Dean." 

Empowered by Cass's kindness, Dean continued, "It's more than that. I didn't want to live without you, Cass. I… I can't live without you."

"Dean…"

"I know I've screwed up a lot. I know I've pushed you away. I know you deserve so much better than me… I know I should've told you a long time ago… but…"

Despite Dean's best efforts to be strong, he got choked up. Tears pooled in his eyes and started to leak. Overcome with emotion, Dean hung his head. Never in his life had he ever felt so vulnerable. 

What had he done? Dean hated baring his soul like this. Even though he acted like nothing fazed him, Dean was very scared of getting hurt. In fact, when he reacted with anger, it was to stop himself from feeling sadness. And here, now, he'd laid everything on the line. Cass could stomp on Dean's heart and smash it into a million pieces if he chose to. 

The thought of Castiel rejecting him left Dean absolutely terrified. Sure, he'd been shot down before-who hadn't? But he'd never put all of his cards on the table before, not like this. Life without Cass had been intolerable. If Castiel broke his heart, Dean would not want to live anymore. 

Warm arms enveloped Dean and pulled him into an embrace. Closing his eyes, Dean nuzzled into the angel's shoulder. Lingering tears slid down his trench coat as Castiel rubbed Dean's back. Only Castiel could make Dean feel this week and yet at the same time safer than he'd felt since before his mother's murder. 

Castiel was kind like Mary. Strong like John. Smart like Sam. Protective like Bobby. Devoted like Dean. Yet he was silly and provided Dean's life with some much humor. And, despite all of the horror they'd witnessed, Castiel maintained an innocence that Dean would defend to the end.

Sam was right.

Castiel was perfect.

"I love you," Dean declared. 

There they were, those three little words Dean could never make himself say. In one short sentence, he'd knocked down the wall around his heart. If Castiel had not been holding him, Dean would have collapsed from the terror and the emotional exhaustion. 

But Dean could feel the smile spreading across Castiel's face. It gave him hope. Really, hope was what he needed most. Still, Dean held his breath, trying to brace himself for imminent heartbreak. After all the terrible things he'd said and done to Cass, how could he expect his feelings to be reciprocated? 

And then, a miracle.

"I love you too, Dean."

For almost ten years, Castiel had been using his powers to cure Dean. But those wounds had always been physical. With those five beautiful words, Castiel had healed every emotional pain Dean had ever felt. With those five beautiful words, never in his life had Dean disappointed John, failed Sam, shamed Mary or angered Bobby. With those five beautiful words, Dean carried no scars from Hell or Purgatory or the Mark of Cain.

All of his life, Dean had felt like he was not good enough. He thought he hurt more people than he saved. He thought he was small and would never make a difference in the world. For reasons he could never understand, he'd always felt incomplete, like part of him was missing. 

For the first time in his life, Dean Winchester felt whole. He felt a strength inside of himself that he had never known before. He felt complete. For once in his life, he felt like happiness was within his reach. 

Dean kissed Castiel.

His heart hammering in his chest, Dean took yet another leap of faith. But it wasn't scary. Dean could feel nothing but joy. He was losing himself in the very best of ways. It felt so natural, like he was born to be one with Castiel. 

Castiel was beautiful, physically, emotionally and spiritually. He'd been in love with him for years, but he'd been too stubborn to admit it to himself. For so long, he'd felt like it was improper for him to love him. But, as they kissed, Dean saw how wrong he was. There was nothing sinful about this. In the depths of his soul, he knew that this was right. 

And Dean knew that Sam had been right. Castiel was amazing in every way, and Dean was lucky to have him. Male or female, angel or human. None of it mattered. Castiel and Dean were soul mates.

Lips still pressed together, Dean pushed Castiel on his back on the bed. Stealing quick breaths in between kisses, Dean climbed on top of Cass. When their lips parted for Dean to get some air, Cass grinned the sweetest, most satisfied smile. His big blue eyes were sparkling with love. Even though he did not have to breathe, his chest was heaving, too. 

Castiel's eyes widened as Dean started to unbutton his flannel shirt. Cass pulled Dean back for another kiss. The angel rubbed the hunter's chest, held his hand to his racing heart. Dean tugged at Castiel's tie, trying to undo the knot. 

Dean considered slowing down a bit. They were moving so, so fast. Castiel did not have much experience with physical intimacy, and this might have been a bit much for him. There was significant risk for Dean as well. Castiel was much stronger than Dean, and he could hurt him without meaning to. More than that, Dean wondered how all of this would affect their friendship, their partnership and the love that was blooming between them like flowers peeking their heads out of the soil before the snow melted. 

Dean had those concerns, but he could not stop kissing Castiel. He had spent months mourning the unbearable loss of the angel he loved. Now that he had him back, he knew what he wanted, and, somehow, by the grace of God, he'd earned it. Castiel's love was a drug, 💉 and Dean was already addicted. 

Dean felt Castiel shake beneath him as he unhooked his belt. It worried him that it might be too much too soon. But Cass's hands were rubbing up and down his back and chest, and the angel's lips were tickling his neck, and he could not stop. Feeling his blood coursing through him, Dean started to undo the zipper of Castiel's pants. It was all so fast. Dean never thought he would be so ready for so much so soon, and he hoped to God that Cass was, too. 

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Dean! Cass! Dinner's ready!" Sam called out.


	7. "Light the Candle"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything that has happened to them, what happens when Cass wants to watch another musical with Dean?

"No, Cass, we are not watching West Side Story!" Dean protested.

Frowning, Castiel placed the DVD back in its spot on the store shelf. Sam had insisted they go to a real store to shop for fruits and vegetables. Despite Dean's whines that he was not a bunny and wouldn't eat like one, he still found himself meandering around the entertainment section while Sam raided produce. Cass had asked if they could have a movie night, and Dean had agreed. 

Tonight was Castiel's pick. Their last movie night, they'd watched a John Wayne movie with the same exact storyline as all the other westerns they'd seen. Although Cass would never complain, Dean knew he wasn't into these kinds of films very much. 

But, c'mon, did Cass really want to watch another musical? They'd already sat through Rent. Wasn't that enough for a lifetime? 

Forever eager to please Dean, Cass skimmed the rack for another film. He selected a DVD. It was an old black and white movie about American GIs in World War II. Dean smiled. As always, Cass knew just what Dean would like.

Dean gazed at Cass, savoring every bit of the angel's incredible beauty. There never was a being as beautiful as Cass: so giving and so devoted, even to his own detriment. No matter how much time passed, Dean would never be able to repay the good fortune he'd been blessed with when Castiel joined his family.

Never in his life did Dean ever think he would get to enjoy true happiness. It seemed it would always elude him like a butterfly that dodges a child's net. And yet, here Dean was, in love with his soulmate, he had a job that, while draining, he loved more than he'd ever let on, and he had a great relationship with what was once his estranged brother. He even had foster children of sorts: Claire Novak and Jack Kline. Dean had everything. 

Cass moved towards him with the DVD in his hand. And Dean didn't know what happened. Maybe it was just the way the ever ominous fluorescent lighting hit the angel, or an expression that crossed his handsome face. Whatever the cause, Dean's mind brought him back to the cottage in Washington and he could see the damned light glowing from Cass's knife wound and hear Lucifer's vile chuckling and Dean's own horrified screams. And he would never ever forget the sight of Cass's broken black wings outstretched above his still, lifeless body. 

Castiel squinted his eyes and tilted his head in that adorable way he did when he didn't understand something. Concerned, he wrapped his arm around Dean's shoulder and asked, "Are you okay, Dean? What's wrong?"

It was only in the arms of his angel did Dean realize that he had started shaking, and it was only in Castiel's protective embrace that it began to abate. Once Dean was able to steady himself, he stepped over to the rack and picked up the West Side Story DVD. 

Castiel beamed. "Thank you, Dean." 

Cass always knew how to make Dean feel good without getting too gushy. For that and every other wonderful thing about Castiel, he found the angel even more desirable with each passing moment. He smiled, counting down the minutes until he could snuggle up on the couch with his soulmate, a big bowl of popcorn and a bottle of beer. 

Dean snapped his fingers and chanted, "'When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way from your first cigarette.'"

Cass gave him that darling look of confusion again. "We don't smoke cigarettes," he whispered.

Grinning, Dean Winchester grabbed Castiel and kissed him, right there in the middle of the store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much everyone! I hope you all have enjoyed this!! I'm really proud of it. I believe it turned out better than I had hoped.
> 
> I guess I should have said this in the beginning lol but I don't own Supernatural, Rent or West Side Story. The lyrics I "borrowed" need to be credited to Jonathan Larson for Rent and I think Stephen Sondheim for West Side Story. 
> 
> One more hour til GISH!!! Ahh!! 
> 
> Prayers for my #spnfamily during the quarantine. I feel blessed to have you guys in my life.


End file.
